All Bets Are Off!
by keythecoward
Summary: When Helga overhears her classmates make a betting pool on when her and Arnold will get together she begins to scheme on her payback. She just didn't expect Arnold to go along with it so well. Maybe a bit too well. Fake dating AU with a twist.
1. Oooh boy

Bets

Helga wasn't really known for being a party animal, but when she wanted to let off steam. She was a locomotive engine at full speed. She would've felt bad for Rhonda if she didn't hire maids to do the clean-up of her home.

With this in mind. Helga went **hard.**

She was pretty sure she downed a bottle of Absolut vodka within the first half hour, which really set the tone for her night. She was careful not mix too much liquor and stayed away from the tequila shots that Curly had set up a line of. She beat Harold and Stinky at beer pong and snickered herself nearly to death as the forked over bet money.

She arm wrestled Sid for a joint, pranked Eugene with plopping Mentos in his diet coke, kicked the door in for Rhonda when she found out two love birds had occupied her room and had even stolen the shoes right off Peabody as he was passed out on the couch and hid them in the dish washer.

Helga was able to convince Phoebe and Lila to help "decorate" a sleeping Gerald who passed out on the couch by accident. The fool. She ended up dancing with the two girls for most of the night before slipping away to raid Rhonda's parents high end Liquor stash that was in her father's study. She giggled when the Princess saw her father's very expensive Bourbon and her mother vineyard wine being passed around like a bottle of Smirnoff.

Helga narrowly avoided any embarrassing dares or truths in a game and almost sat down for spin the bottle until she saw Arnold sit down as well. Suddenly her legs went straight as sticks and walked her into the kitchen to devour whatever was in the fridge. She ended up going through the cupboards and filling her bag with Rhonda's tasty expensive snacks. Not like the family would even notice. They don't do their own shopping. Unless it was clothes.

All and all Helga could say she was satisfied with the night but could agree that the last few shots she had were maybe too much as she was currently lying behind the living room couch. The party had settled down and she just wanted to lie down without someone trying to mess with her while she napped. She wasn't dumb and she knew she had a lot of enemies. So she rolled behind the couch and hadn't been disturbed until a group of her friends had settled down in the living room. Helga was going to jump and scare them until she heard her name.

"So did you think they will ever get around to it? I mean tonight they wouldn't even look at each other. Maybe we are wrong about this" She picked up Nadine's voice as she peered around the corner of the couch. Rhonda was next to her and leaning her head on her best friends' shoulder.

"Oh please!" Rhonda pulled herself up. Her half-lidded gaze was set on a knocked over centerpiece. "I'm surprised it's taken this long but trust me they have to at some point soon"

"Who?" Harold scratched his chin as he stretched his legs out and accidentally bumped Curly with his toe. The skinny teen scowled at the other swatted his foot.

"Who do you think you dope? Helga and Arnold! We have been trying to guess when they will get together for like the past 3 months now." He crossed his arms before scooting closer to Rhonda who narrowed her eyes. "I still say it'll be a one-night stand that haunts one of them forever. Probably happens in their mid-twenties during a night out at the bar" Nadine scrunched her mouth to one side while side eying Curly.

"That's oddly specific you know"

"I think you mean oddly creative"

"No, no I don't" Nadine chuckled.

Sid pulled his hat off for a moment and smoothed his hair back, his face flushed from the alcohol in his system as something of a half drunken smirk hung on his lips. "Hey, what if like, they get together during prom or something cliché like that?" He snickered.

"Naw I reckon they won't doing anything for a while with the way they are going" Stinky leaned back into plush loveseat. The group laughed as Helga grit her teeth and suppressed a growl. Her cheeks were red and her fists were balled. She muttered under her breath about getting back at each of them. She was about to stand up until someone said something that stopped her in her tracks. "But I do imagine them being all sweet like and such when they do get to it"

"Let's _bet_ on it" Rhonda grinned. She pulled out a notebook and a pen. She wrote down her name and her bet along with how much she was betting. She passed it along around the small group. "I bet that Arnold and Helga in six months" She stated firmly.

Nadine giggled and scribbled down her own estimates. Helga sat behind the couch silently fuming that her sex life (or lack there-of) was apparently a common topic for their friends. Half of her was tempted to stand up and give them a vicious tongue lashing. But the other half was too curious about…well…. how were they even under the assumption that Arnold even liked her like that. She could give the excuse of one of them picked up on her romantic subtilty towards her football headed muse. But Arnold couldn't like her like that.

Helga crouched down low to the floor and hoped this would just end soon. She was horrified that her classmates had picked up on her secret and worst fear. But what was worse was that they were deluded! Either that or she had fallen asleep behind the couch and was having a weird and terrifying out of body experience. Harold coughed before frowning "How do we even know Arnold likes Madame fortress mommy"

Rhonda scoffed "Are you kidding me? We all heard his drunk tirade during my last party. Not to mention the fact that he refuses to leave her alone after all she does to him. Plus, I'm pretty sure Gerald let slip about all of his _'Helga doodles'_ during him and Sid's last smoke session" She crossed her legs and held her chin high "Honestly Harold, Sid, Stinky, pay attention"

"Wha..? But we didn't say any-"

"Anyway, is everyone done with their bets? I say, this will be the best bet since elementary" Rhonda cut him off as she squinted at the paper. Not admitting it out loud but she was beginning to regret the last drink she had. Curly was looking handsome and that was already disturbing her. "Okay! I'll go over the results tomorrow and mark everyone down. But for now, I say we order a pizza and check to see if anyone is still here. I don't want a repeat of last time where I found Wolfgang and his friends in my parents' hot tub well after the party ended. That was…. **Scary** for lack of a better term" She glanced at Curly again.

"I mean do we have to?" Harold asked before he was elbowed by Stinky and Sid at the same time.

"We'd be happy to help Miss Rhonda" Stinky smiled and got up slowly, dusting off his pants. " _Ain't we_ _**Harold?**_ " He looked down at his friend while offering a hand to stand. Harold rolled his eyes but smiled as he took the hand and stood.

"Yeah okay…sorry. Let's go check okay?"

…

Helga waited until her classmates filed out of the room and she peaked over the couch to make sure the coast was clear. She spotted a piece of paper on the coffee table in front of her and climbed over the couch to reach it.

"Alright, other than the fact that my classmates have suddenly gone insane this night was good" She read the list down.

Stinky, Nadine, Sheena and Lorenzo all apparently bet that her and Arnold would get together in a year.

Harold and Peabody apparently think it's never gonna happen. Wow. Rude.

Rhonda and Sid think it'll happen in prom like some sort of high school movie trope. Helga inwardly gagged.

A few spaces for other classmates were left like Gerald and Phoebe and Eugene.

Helga would never in a billion year admit it. But she felt relieved that her classmates had wizened up to her antics and somewhat supported it in a weird way. As she was about to set down the paper and just forget about the whole thing…but then she saw the pen laying on the table. Looking so innocent and just begging her to involve it in some kind of shenanigans. Slowly the wheels started to turn inside Helga's head and a wicked grin grew on her face.

A plan was putting itself piece by piece together inside her head. She might be able to get her cake and eat it too. Or more appropriately. Get her ice cream and eat it too.

She scribbled down on the paper

" _ **Geraldine- One Week"**_

She set both down and snickered as she collected her jacket and bag stuffed with snacks. She plucked a few half or mostly full bottles of liquor she found and stashed them under her coat as she slipped on her shoes. Helga was so caught up in her own half-drunk euphoria of scheming she didn't even realize someone had approached her from behind.

"Helga? You're still here?" A very familiar voice caught her off guard. She whipped around and was faced with Arnold.

"Oh uh...Hi Arnold…yeah I'm just heading out now. Party looks like it died down s that's when I go heheh" She awkwardly laughed. The conversation that her friends had in the other room suddenly slapped her in the face. Same with her scheme. Her halfcocked plan she was formulating would only work if a certain someone knew some things she had been putting off for a while. A wonderful and horrible idea popped in her head and out her mouth before she could stop it. _"You wouldn't mind walking me home, would you?"_

Arnold looked surprised and before she could open her mouth to retract what she said. "yeah sure I would love to" He smiled at her with that half-lidded gaze. She swallowed thickly felt the blood rush to her cheeks and swore it was just the alcohol.

Arnold grabbed his jacket from the closet and opened the door, holding it open to let her go first. She smiled and gave him a coy _"Such a gentleman"_ line as she sauntered out.

What had they said about Arnold before? Something about a Tirade last party and doodling. She was fuzzy on the details but she tonight she felt a little bit confident. At least with this new plan. It was a full block until Helga finally piped up.

"So, uh... thanks for walking me home. Coulda been lonely. Normally I walk home with Phoeb's but I think she made a break for it when Gerald woke up. They aren't that subtle" She readjusted and cursed herself for not putting on her jacket. She stopped walking and shifted the jacket to her other arm and set the two bottles down that she had been hiding on the ground. She heard Arnold chuckle.

"Well that explains why I couldn't find him and why he won't answer his texts…..and I see great minds think alike" Helga's eyes widened as he pulled out a bottle of what looked like a nice rum from The Lloyd's personal stash "Thanks for showing me where the good stuff is" He winked at her as he took the two bottles she collected and unzipped her bag to stash them. He only briefly looked between her and the snacks.

"What…. They won't notice…and I didn't show you anything! I was alone-you followed me, didn't you?"

"Guilty"

"So, I guess that makes you a stalker then huh?" Helga smirked. Arnold was suddenly flustered.

"Wha? No! Come on I followed you for like a minute at a party because I was curious about what you were gonna do?" He opened the rum and took a sip. Helga smiled. "I mean you were everywhere tonight. I saw you steal Peabody's shoes and kick a door in. Then there was the Mentos and if I do remember you nicked a five from Eugene's pocket when you thought no one was looking at you"

"So, you _were_ stalking me"

"No, you're just the best source of mayhem at a party"

"And the Helga doodles?"

Arnold spat out the drink with such ferocity it was just a mist of spiced rum in front of him. His face was instantly red as he looked at her with horror. She waggled her brow at him. "How did you-"

"Never mind that _Shortman_ , you should be more concerned that the rest of the class knows" She was relishing in this. Never in a million years did she think she would get this kind of reaction from her football headed love god. Flustered, red faced and nervous. Maybe a bit tongue tied. She was living right now. She watched as he had a sort of out of body experience for a small moment before he was slung back into reality.

" _They_ _**WHAT?**_ " He yelled. Arnold looked like he was panicking hardcore now. "I-Look Helga those drawing I uh- _they are just practice?_ Yeah you are just an interesting model because you _beau-_ " He seemed to almost bite off his own tongue. He stared at her with wide eyes for a moment before he bolted down the street. Helga was confused for a moment before her feet carried after him, long strides and her breath huffing puffs in the cold night air as she called after him.

He abruptly stopped around the fourth or sixth time she called after him, causing her to crash into him. He spun on his heel as she was rubbing her head.

"Who told you?" He asked quietly. He seemed genuinely very afraid and very angry. Helga looked up at Arnold. She was about to open her mouth and give him a smart-ass retort but something in his eyes told her not to play around this time.

"I uh…I was behind a couch trying to make the world less dizzy when our classmates came in. Talking about _**us**_ …and things," She could tell that answer did not satisfy him "Alright look, our classmates seemed to think that we have this thing going on _-and we kinda do,_ but I guess Miss Princess Rhonda thought it would be a good idea to start a betting pool on when we get together. They made some pretty compelling arguments for it and... I overheard...them"

Arnold was quiet as they neared her house, or rather, the beeper emporium. "You know…I uh…I really shoulda asked beforehand but I kinda wanted to get back at them for it. You know um, a little _payback_ for gossiping and being nosy and such," She fumbled with her keys for the back door. "I was gonna rig the betting pool with a fake name and grab the cash pot at the end ….. Do you want in? It would be more _convincing_ if you were in on it" She looked at Arnold as they approached the back door and he gave her a very hard look. Trying to convey a million words her intoxicated brain couldn't decipher.

"I'll have to think about it…Good night Helga" He gave her a small shoulder squeeze before she turned the key in the lock and opened the door.

"Thanks football head. I'll see you tomorrow at school, I guess? Also, don't tell Rhonda it was _me_ who got into her parents' liquor…that dies with us" She gave him a smile before slipping in the door.

"Whatever you say Helga... Whatever you say" Arnold turned around and started to head back home.

…

When Helga woke up the next morning her head felt like it was being split in two by a dull rusty axe. She rubbed her eyes before checking her phone to see the time. Instead she was a text from Arnold. It was sent only an hour after he had walked her home the night before.

" _ **I'll do it"**_


	2. Hooked on a Feelin!

Chapter 2

Hooked on a Feeling

…

Arnold did not go home immediately after he walked Helga home. Her request- Her scheme! It bared so much weight behind it on either side and he was beginning to wonder how much longer he could do this song and dance with her anymore.

He was losin' it!

So Arnold went to the park, keeping the bottle of rum tucked in his jacket as he stared lazily at the sky. Thinking over everything Helga said.

The classmates, the bet and most importantly, her offer.

The offer of rigging the betting pool.

How exactly would they go about it? If the bet was to see how long it would take them to get together than-

He almost tripped over himself as he put two and two together.

Arnold would have to fake being in a relationship with Helga, convince everyone that without a doubt they were an item. That they were a couple in love with each other. A couple that holds hands, and shared kisses while whispering secret I-love-you's to each other. What would they even be like as a couple? How would they have to act to convince people they were a couple?

He wanted to call Helga and ask her all of these questions but he figured she was probably passed out already.

Arnold found a park bench to take a seat on and closed his eyes with a sigh.

He couldn't deny that the opportunity was so tempting. Being able to say Helga was his and to touch her. Touch without her jumping away like he was fire. To hold her hand when they were walking anywhere and show it off like a badge of honor. Arnold felt his chest ache slightly as he slowly opened his eyes and was met with the night sky. He reached towards it briefly before pausing.

Would Helga even hold his hand?

Arnold didn't know. He couldn't. She would never tell him, not even if you tied to her to a stake to burn. But he still saw it every day. The way she moved around him, the smile that was only reserved for him and no one else. Her own doodles that he rarely spotted. The poetry she rehearsed under her breath and even the nicknames she gave him.

But there was just something stopping them from talking about it. Just something that was blocking them before being able to climb over that last hurdle and tie the knot. Like an invisible wall he couldn't see or feel, but stopped them from getting any closer. Words would get jumbled and plans would fall apart at the seams all the time.

Maybe this could be a way to finally get what he wanted from Helga. He could use the whole ordeal to his advantage and get the one thing he had been dying for.

Arnold pulled the rum out and took another sip before taking out his phone next. His mind was set, albeit nervous, as he typed in his message to the sleeping blonde. This could all very easily go south and would take a lot of work on his own end.

But by the time Helga had her loot from the betting pool, he would have her confession. Once and only Once he was able to hear that she still loved him. Really loved him. For sure, for sure, loved him. He would tell her how much he loved her.

That consuming feeling he got with her. How he wanted to just be there for her. To be something she could lean and use to her advantage.

Arnold groaned as he stood back up and made his way back to the boarding house. His head was gonna kill him tomorrow.

Whatever, the weekend was tomorrow. He would get to sleep in.

…

Arnold did not get to sleep in.

At 8 am Abner came squealing into his room, demanding to be fed. Once his father and grandfather saw him upright to feed Abner they asked him to come help fix the floorboards. He couldn't give them a reason to say no and he subjected himself to possibly the worst morning for a hangover one could have.

At some point after breakfast the pounding headache subsided to a dull ache and lay sprawled across the living room couch with his mother in the queen anne's chair beside him, watching the T.v as Pookie sat on the floor, knitting what appeared to be sweaters for snakes.

He was drifting in and out of a nap when his phone started to go off in his pocket. The chime ringing in his ears to pay attention and answer the call.

He groaned and slide the phone out, sliding to answer without looking.

"Hey Football head its me" Arnold snapped straight up with wide eyes. Not going unnoticed by both his mother and Pookie.

"Helga…Hey Helga, Hey Helga...Hey...Helga" He bite his own tongue. Of course he would nervous to hear her on the phone. He hadn't even thought about last night yet. All he did was say yes after thinking he could somehow get Helga to confess to him.

He winced as his head throbbed and couldn't make out what Helga just said. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed a little.

"Hey! Football head! You gonna let me in or what?"

"What?"

"Are you serious?"

"No wait I uh- Hold on a sec" Arnold scrambled up and to the door, dearly tripping over himself. He swung the door open and there she was on his front step.

He was stunned as he was still holding the phone to his ear despite the fact she was only a few feet from him "Hey" He smiled weakly.

"You look like shit" She crossed her arms.

"You don't look any better, you look like you had just fallen off a building and landing on a mountain of old mattresses" He smiled as he leaned against the door frame. Stuffing his phone into his pocket. Helga rolled her eyes as she walked in and Arnold couldn't help but smile.

He was nervous as hell but Helga had just willingly come to his house of her own accord. He couldn't remember the last time she was here without being forced by Gerald and Phoebe. He was mixed with anxiety and excitement at her presence. Arnold followed her as she made a Bee-line for his room at the top of the stairs. He was thankful no one pulled him away as he closed the door behind him.

Helga had seemed to stop in the middle of his room and look around. Surveying the area and memorizing it. The last time he remembered her in here was a year ago. Although not much had changed since her last visit. She never did stay for very long when she did drop by.

"So….how's it going Helga?" He asked nervously. He was positive she was here because of the deal they made last night. But he didn't know under what grounds.

She didn't respond right away. She was to busy looking around his room before settling to take a seat on his bed. "Let's get down to business Football head…about what I said last night," Helga paused and Arnold felt his heart do the same. He almost wanted to interrupt her and prolong the inevitable. She was looking everywhere but him. "I uh….Are you sure?"

What…?

"What?" Arnold blinked in surprise. He was so sure that she was gonna say the whole thing was a drunk prank gone too far.

"What I mean is that..uh…We were pretty drunk last night and I kinda just sprung this whole thing on you. So I mean if you were having second thoughts I just wanted to uh….return the favor and give you a way out" She was looking anywhere but him and fiddling with her fingers. His heart panged painfully and he swallowed thickly. It would probably be the smart thing to do. Back out before anyone got hurt by this very dangerous idea. He didn't want his heart broken by the mystery that was Helga G. Pataki.

But it was also impossible to resist his only chance to get closer to her than he ever had.

Arnold straightened his back and took a few steps towards her. She finally looked at him with surprise and felt his confidence waver a moment. He steeled his nerves and sat next to her on the bed. He was grasping for something to say for a moment before something slipped out that she immediately wished he could slap himself for.

"What are you? A _Chicken?_ "

He almost laughed when Helga's face went from shock, to fury, back to shock and for a moment seemed to be stuck on what he could only describe as that feeling when you're watching your computer buffer. When she seemed to snap back into reality the blood rushed to her cheeks and she immediately looked flushed. Opening and closing her mouth a few times just staring at him before a more suspicious expression crossed her.

She narrowed her eyes and leaned back while looking him over.

"Helga G. Pataki ain't no chicken….but I'm not a _**fool**_ either," She crossed her arms "Me being drunk and coming with this idea makes sense, you being sober and wanting to go along with this doesn't" She pointed a finger at him. Arnold cleared his throat nervously before trying to look some kind of casual inside his home, in his bedroom, on his own damn bed.

"Well you said there was a betting pool and that we would split the pot, I could use the extra money you know" He was praying to any divine being to make him seem believable.

Helga seemed to mull it over for a moment before looking back at him "Money for what exactly?"

"Uhhh," Arnold looked away from her, not wanting to meet her gaze. There was something he did wanna use the money for. But he didn't wanna talk about it with her. Or anyone really. "Just…something I've been working on" He laughed nervously. He couldn't help it. He was sweating like a sinner in church.

" _Vague"_

"So was your proposal last night" Arnold blurted out. Why? Why did he do these things. Helga could only seem to sputter and flounder. "When you said you were gonna rig a betting pool that's about us dating….what _**exactly**_ did you mean?" He leaned closer as she seemed to move back. Her face was growing a darker shade of red the longer he stared. Arnold was pretty sure that Helga would explode if he touched her at all.

"I-I"

"The way I see it, the only way to rig this betting pool is if we _convince_ absolutely _everyone_ that we are dating you know that right?" There it was. Out in the open.

Arnold could the tension in the room with a knife as Helga remained silent with blazing cheeks.

"Yeah Football head! I figured that out," Helga finally broke her silence. Scowling at him and trying to give off her _'Don't-fuck-with-me'_ vibe. She curled her fingers into his sheets as she straightened her back "Why do you think I came here to give you a way out? I mean come on it would never work anyway! You, Arnold Shortman, the most helpful kid in all of Hillwood, the guy who makes anyone's day, paired with Helga G. Pataki, satan's ex wife. Who is really gonna believe that?"

"You aren't Satan's ex Wife who is saying that?"

"Rhonda and Harold but that's not the point, my point is that it will never work. We would have to spend seven days with our hands glued together and giving each other cheesy crappy nicknames. What am I gonna call you besides Football head?" Arnold only shrugged in response "And what would we say when people ask us how we got together? I don't have anything for that-"

"We hooked up at Rhonda's party"

"Mr Shortman I beg your fucking pardon?" Helga's brow shot up.

"No I mean, we could just tell people we hooked up at Rhonda's party. No one would question it that much right? If they do we can just blame the alcohol. Clean and easy" He leaned in closer.

"Okay yeah you came up with a story but like what about details, people always ask details especially Rhonda!" Helga felt her cheeks heat up again.

"We come up with them as they pop up. As long as we always agree on it they can't question it because there is no reason" Arnold was grinning at her now. This plan might actually work. As long as he could get Helga back on board it would work.

" _Us agreeing is a good enough reason to question it"_ Helga snipped.

"Then we fight like cats and dogs and have people conveniently catch us making out all the time. We can just be that couple"

"M….Making out?" Arnold realized what he had just proposed to Helga

"Y-yeah-"

" _ **All**_ the time?" Arnold couldn't read the expression on her face but he could tell it was worth a thousand words.

"….Yeah?"

Helga looked down at her lap and seemed to think very hard for a few moments. She was quiet as she continued to mull over all the probabilities. The good and the bad to see which outweighed the other. Arnold wished he was able to see what she was thinking, if only to silence his own roaring insecurities and self-doubt when it came to this kind of thing.

Arnold was ready to accept that this idea might not work and that he just might be stuck as a friend to Helga for the rest of his life. He couldn't force her to do something she didn't want. No matter how much he wanted to believe she wanted the same thing. Circumstances change all the time. Arnold couldn't say for sure that any feelings she admitted in their youth were still there, lingering for him.

He was in the middle of berating himself for such a selfish thought when Helga cleared her throat, cutting through the silence and catching his attention.

"I…I mean….it would feel good to get back at them for talking about things they don't know about…" She didn't meet his eyes. Arnold tried to fight back the overwhelming hope that was bubbling up in his chest. He used all of his will power to not smile like a goof.

"I'll do it," She said "But there has to be rules"

"Of Course" Arnold agreed

" _ **No sex**_ " Helga bit the bullet and got the most awkward one out of the way first. Arnold choked on absolutely nothing and nodded in agreement. His own cheeks finally dialling up the heat to mach Helga's. "And don't tell our parents. It's just super awkward and I don't feel like dealing with Big Bob finally acting to be something akin to a father"

Arnold nodded in agreement. He rather not deal with Phil teasing him and driving him up the wall. "Sounds reasonable"

"Can't tell Phoebs or Gerald-o either"

"What?" Arnold was bit shocked. He was at least hoping to confide in Gerald with all this. Get some advice and ideas on how to make his ulterior plan work out.

"Think about it! They will spill the beans if too much pressure is applied by our classmates and it's more believable if they believe it too" Helga reasoned with him. Arnold reluctantly nodded in agreement. He would have to settle for just telling his best friend bits and pieces.

"No ass or boob grabbing"

"Literally was not going to anyways"

"We do basic dates, movies and inexpensive dinners with other couples"

" 'Kay"

"We text each other during the day, we have to really make it look believable . Oh! Also change my contact name to something mushy and gross"

"Would something like Pigtailed Cutie work?"

"Yeah I guess"

"Cool" _Good. He didn't have change a thing._ "Anything else?" Arnold asked as he slid down in a lounging position. He was still beat from the rough morning and his hangover. It wasn't his intention but he realized he was much closer to Helga now. When he closed his eyes and took a deep breath he could smell the faint scent of her perfume or shampoo. He wanted to get lost in it.

"Mmm I don't think so" Helga leaned towards him, her long blonde hair tickling his face with her loose strands. A small smile curved his lips and for one very blissful, not confusing or plot related minute, Arnold and Helga relaxed in each others presence. She smiled at him, although he couldn't tell because his eyes were closed. Helga admired him as he seemed to almost doze off while being so close to her.

The comfortable silence that had enveloped them was cut away when they both heard his front door open and followed by several pairs of foot steps.

"Hey Arnold my man! Me, Harold and Stinky are gonna go play B-ball. Wanna join?" They both could hear Gerald coming up the stairs with Harold and Stinky. Helga and Arnold both sat up quickly, both exchanging quick glances. Helga looked around quickly and set on the sky light.

"I need to scram, they can't see me here" She began to stand up

"Why?" Arnold blurted out.

"Because-"

"Why don't we _**start**_ right now?" Arnold gently took her hand and tugged her back down to the bed. Her eyes were wide and cheeks tinged pink once again. She couldn't explain why she just went along with it. Letting him pull her back to the bed as the sound of Harolds heavyset footsteps were rapidly approaching.

"Wha-?" Helga felt her back hit his mattress

"I mean what better way to convince everyone…then to start some rumors?" He felt almost disconnected with his body. He clumsily started to climb on top of her. Very slow in case she told him to cut it out…but she didn't.

"Arnold…" Helga said his name in barely above a whisper and he had to ignore the blood shooting down to his groin.

" _Helga, please don't kill me"_ He whispered just before their lips met.

In the instant that he kissed her the rest of the world faded away.

The pounding of his heart rang in his ears like his fathers tribal drum set. He was briefly worried that Helga could hear it when she didn't respond at first. But everything melted away when she kissed back. Her hands slithering up his back and pulling her closer to him. Fingers weaving themselves into his hair as he moved his jaw against hers. He was met enthusiastically with her doing the same.

Oh Jesus Christ this was amazing.

Arnold slide one hand to cup her cheek and the other to run down the side of her body. They broke away to take a breath before resuming their affections, Helga was quite fond of kissing his neck line but he was more interested in kissing those lips.

He was soaring on cloud nine off into the sunset.

Arnold was finally able to kiss Helga Pataki for the first time in years. Yeah sure, it was to start some rumors to help out their convoluted plan to get the betting pool pot….but he was not a choosy beggar. He could only hope Helga was having at least a little fun with this.

With the way her free hand was tugging off his over shirt he could at least assume she wanted to be very convincing. Or when he felt her tongue prod his lower lip. He gladly parted his lips and deepened the kiss. Arnold could feel his skin burning like fire as he let her take the lead, her leg hitching on his hip. She was demanding and a handful.

 _ **Handful…**_. _She just put his hand on her chest._

His fingers twitched at reflexed and tested just how soft Helga was. Arnold groaned and he wanted nothing more to melt into her. "Fuck…Helga" He whispered.

Unfortunately he didn't get the chance.

"Yo Arnold are you up here man- **WHOA** " Gerald had opened up the bedroom door and immediately recoiled. "Arnold what the hell man?"

Gerald had walked in on his best friend in a very compromising position with who was very commonly referred as Satan's second wife.

Helga's lipstick was up and down Arnolds neck and jaw…not to mention his face. Her hands has almost pulled off the plaid over shirt Arnold wore everywhere as his signature look. Arnolds hand was on her thigh, pushing up her skirt and exposing her skin.

Arnold's face was flushed as he slowly pulled his hand away from her chest. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. The sight of Helga beneath him with her cheeks blazing cherry red had him a little bit dizzy. He almost wanted to tell Gerald to get the hell out and hopefully convince Helga to not immediately kill him.

Helga's hair was everywhere as opposed to it normal straightened ponytail. Her face flushed as she looked at the intruders with momentary shock before scowling at them.

"Ya mind?" She sneered.

"Arnold what the heck are you doing?" Harold balked. Stinky only seemed to nod approvingly.

"Uh….. _stuff_ " Arnold had not thought this all the way through. This was terribly embarrassing. There was a small pause of awkward silence that Helga decided to helpfully fill.

"I'm stuff" And Helga wasn't making it any easier apparently. He shot her a look that she playfully returned with a wink.

"We can see that Pataki" Gerald was rubbing the bridge of his nose "So Arnold you wanna tell me what's going on here or do I need to fill in the blanks?"

"I mean it's pretty obvious" Stinky chimed in.

Gerald made a noise which signified that silence in these trying times would be appreciated.

...

 _ **A/N:**_

 _ **Wow did not expect the amount of love this story got. I guess the HA fandom is starving for some fake dating AU**_

 _ **Anyways, keep commenting and I will keep writing!**_

 _ **-Key**_


	3. Just can't get enough

Yes hello I'm still alive and still continuing this story along with Feel Good Inc. I had some things happen in my personal life that hurt me and I didn't really wanna write about romance until I felt healed again. And I do for the most part.

I wanted to thank everyone who cheered me on to keep going and that they like my fic.

And to the one guy who said this wasn't gonna be updated again...Screw you pal! This was speed written out of SPITE

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Chapter 3

After three of their friends had walked in on them making out it was only 6 hours until both Helga and Arnolds phones were blowing up. Texts and calls from Phoebe were filling Helga's screen at first until she started getting messages from Lila…and Then Rhonda, Nadine, Sheena Eugene, Harold, Stinky- How did somehow _everyone_ even get her number?

Arnold sure, yeah, it made sense for his phone to blow up, everyone knew him and talked to him. But for Helga it was so weird.

She suffered through sending a single text to Phoebe that was purposely very poor at describing her relationship with Arnold at the moment. She sent another to Bob telling him she was at Phoebes, not that he would really care.

After that she turned off her phone and set it on Arnold nightstand.

….

Helga ended up leaving from Arnolds rather late and he held her up at the door, leaning up against the door frame with those half-lidded eyes of his as he talked to her. He slipped her his plaid shirt and told her to wear it on Monday at school. They both agreed it would be more convincing if she was wearing it and not at all for ulterior motives on either side

When Helga got home, she made a bee-line for her bedroom and closed the door behind her, flipping the lock she installed a few years back. At some point she actually convinced her dad to get her a real room in the back of the old beeper emporium, she had a bit more room and even a window.

Which she was about to take full advantage of in about two minutes. Helga put her bag on the bed and dug around for a small shoe box that hid beneath it. Her fingers grazed the cardboard edged and Helga smiled as she pulled it out. Flipping the lid up to reveal a small glass pipe, a silver cylinder and a clear plastic lunch bag with a few leafy nugs inside. She picked up the baggy and silver cylinder, setting the bag aside before she twisted the cylinder open to reveal that it came apart in three sections.

She unscrewed the first and grabbed the baggy again, breaking off a small portion of the dried herb before sticking it into the silver cylinder. She ground it up and separated the pieces of her bud buster once again. Helga opened the middle section and pinched out the ground up herb.

She packed her bowl and opened the window. Lighting it and taking long drag from the pipe. Her chest felt tight for a moment and her throat burned before she blew the smoke out the window. She took a pause to turn her phone back on and throwing Arnolds Shirt to her bed. She took another drag as her phone screen loaded and for a few seconds it was normal. No feed clogging her screen and her notifications a 7 from various apps.

Then it blew up.

She had to turn it to silent as each message and notification from several different apps went off at once. The pinging was endless until she muted it. Each message climbed over each other on her small phone screen as she took another long drag of the bowl until she realized it was just ash.

"God, I don't think I have enough weed for this" She muttered. The number kept climbing. She saw numbers she didn't know and friend requests stream in. She packed another and waited for them to stop. It was only for a moment but it seemed endless to her. When it finally stopped, she was left 72 messages collectively, 23 phone calls (mostly from Phoebe), 6 voicemails, 27 friend requests and Helga was just thrilled.

She started with deleting the friend requests and dismissing the call notifications. She felt more than annoyed at the random people who messaged her for no reason other to sate their gossip needs. People she had no connection to whatsoever.

Most likely friends with Princess Rhonda, who, herself had sent half a dozen messages to her. Phoebe nearly tripled that and left two voicemails. One frantically wanting to know that was going on and the second apologizing for her previous unruly behavior and for Helga to take her time…but not too long because the suspense was killing her. Gerald called once and insinuated that she had a hand in the dark arts.

Rhonda called demanded to know the details once Helga heard the message. A second from Rhonda demanding to know why she hasn't been called yet. A third from Rhonda just begging for the details and that something important was on the line.

She wasn't gonna give her the fucking satisfaction. Not yet.

Helga cleared the rest of the messages off her phone and read phoebes frantic texts with a small smile. She put her stash away after her second bowl and got changed before stretching out on her bed. Long limbs dangling off the side as she sighed in relief. Helga rolled over and gather Arnolds shirt in her hands before pressing it to her face.

' _He gave this to me'_

She inhaled deeply. A smile creeping on to her face as she blushed. His scent filled her nose and she sighed again.

' _He gave this to me willingly'_

Helga had to suppress a squeal of joy. Rolling around on her bed as she made muffled screams. Heat creeped down her neck as she nearly inhaled the shirt.

It was almost like they were _**actually**_ dating.

At the thought the joy suddenly was sucked away. The scent of spice on his shirt suddenly was bitter sweet. She closed her eyes and cleared her thoughts.

They might not be dating for real right now…. but by the end of the week she will get Arnold to confess to her.

Arnold had been properly harassed by just about everyone who knew him in Hillwood about Helga. He was only lucky no pictures were taken of him and Helga's make out session to be spread around too soon. Gerald called half a dozen times still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Arnold was actually serious about liking Helga. Once to ask him to go to Madame Blanches and get a cleansing ceremony done on him just in case he had been cursed. Arnold waved him off and told him to knock it off.

The worst of the griping came from his grandpa and mom. Both of whom were _really_ keen on having Helga over as soon as possible for dinner. Arnold wasn't exactly too thrilled to explain to his whole family including the borders that him and Helga were pulling a heist on a betting pool by pretending to date. He at least knew his mother would disapprove. Oscar would tell him to play his cards right or something equally stupid.

Then again, the whole situation was kind of stupid. He was in this mess because he agreed to fake date Helga because he just couldn't find the right time to ask her out for real.

"So Short stack when did ya lay it on her?" Phil spooned more mash potatoes into his mouth.

Arnold nearly dropped his fork. Thinking back to the afternoon improtu make out session he had with Helga. "I-Wha?" He fumbled.

"Your little girlfriend with bushy eyebrows? When did you finally ask her out?"

"Phil! You can't refer to Arnolds Girlfriend as the girl with the bushy eyebrows! It's rude" Stella pinched the old mans arm. He howled in fake pain and claimed elder abuse….to which Pookie also pinched him and Phil cried out for domestic abuse. Arnold smiled as the conversation was derailed by his grandpa getting attacked by his daughter in law and wife.

"So, Arnold, how did you ask out Helga?" Miles leaned over and whispered. He was smiling softly and Arnold picked up his fork again.

"Uh…well…I guess you could say…she confessed to me? Yeah uh She confessed to me and I already liked her so it was a win-win?" Arnold smiled nervously. Miles nodded with a smile and accepted the answer…however Phil had stopped howling and was giving Arnold a hard stare.

"She told you eh? You sure about that?" He gestured with his fork "I've known that girl for most of your life and that sounds like a load of Horse-"

"Phil!" Stella elbowed him.

"Ow! What? I was gonna say horse hockey" He rubbed his side tenderly "You are so mean to this old man"

Arnold chewed the inside of his cheek. He didn't like lying for many reasons. It went against his moral code…..and he was really bad at it.

…

When dinner was cleared and the dished were cleaned Arnold stayed up in his room until he finally wandered over to find his grandfather in his study. Relieved to find him alone, Arnold gently knocked on the frame of the door. Phil looked up from his book as he lounged in his chair and gave him a nod and smile. "Hey Shortstack what's up?"

"Not that short anymore grandpa" Arnold sat in the chair next to him with a sigh.

"Yeah but your little "girlfriend" is taller than you ain't she?" Phil quipped back. Phil had him there. Helga was still had at least an inch or two on him as she was just naturally always tall. It was one of the many things he liked about her. Arnold shook his head. He wasn't here to think about Helga… He could do that in his room.

"Grandpa I have _hypothetical_ question for you,"

"Is it Hypothetical or is it actually happening and you're too embarrassed to tell me?" Phil looked up from his news paper and raised an eyebrow.

"Uh…. Anyways," He didn't answer "What if you were faking dating someone-"

"Well that's stupid" Phil interrupted "You can't _fake_ date someone!"

"To rig a betting pool and get all the money…" Arnold continued

"Alright hold on we got something here"

"But the two people who are dating like each other but don't wanna admit it" Arnold finished

"Alright it got stupid again" Phil muttered while stroking his chin "Is that why pigtails showed up here? You could do so much better" Arnold didn't answer but glared at his grandfather. Phil threw up his hands in a defensive motion. "Sorry, Sorry"

Arnold began to stand up "Forget it" He muttered before Phil huffed and Arnold halted.

"Now boy just wait. I haven't even given you my answer yet and you're already huffing and puffing out of here. If you have an opportunity to show this person what it's like to date you why don't you go all out? Give her the bells and whistles and all the glory with that kind of thing. That way she won't wanna split from ya when the time comes for it to pass" Phil sat back more than pleased with himself.

Arnold sat in thought for a moment "All the bells and whistles" He repeated quietly. Putting together a plan like puzzle pieces in his brain. He stood up more assured this time and gave his grandpa a hug. As he slipped out the door Phil turned back to his newspaper with a sigh

"I'm never gonna be free of that Pataki girl"

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Thank you again for reading this Chapter of ALl bets are Off!

I'm not sure when the next chapter will be released but ask me questions at keybywrath and leave a review here to get my creative juices going.


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